C deck Room 31
by boogle
Summary: FINISHED! Our beloved Listy is blind! Oh the horror, why am i so darn mean? And if that isn't bad enough, they're being persued around the ship by an army of Ungotrillian Flopfish. Not a good day...
1. The fish

Chapter one:

…….  
…….

It all started one morning when Lister was eating his vindaloo. As per usual, he was not having any luck keeping the sauce from dribbling down his chin. Rimmer looked at him in disgust.

"You're disgusting, you know that?"

"I'm not disgusting." Lister said defiantly, spraying poppadom crumbs right through Rimmer's head.

"Yes you are; you've got about as much charisma as a donkey crossed with a scum-sucking mutated thing and… well you're just plain you! And that's as disgusting as you can get."

"Whatever Rimmer," Lister got up, yawning widely, "I'm gonna get changed."

"Why? What's the special occasion?"

Lister crossed to the door, pulling his hat on with a grin, "Kryten said we're gonna come across a fun planet."

"Fun?"

"Yeah, it's called ohmygodanorange."

Rimmer thought to himself for a second, "Whoever names these planets is very imaginative."

"I was just thinking that."

…….

Kryten had just finished the laundry. He sighed to himself sadly, it was so sad when you finished things! Especially the laundry. He loved the laundry.

Lister popped up behind him, "Kryters, have you got me shirt?"

"Which one sir? The one with eight curry stains or the one with twenty-three and one lager?"

Lister shrugged, "I don't mind."

Kryten handed him a shirt. He pulled it on, giving Kryten the delight of an old one with eleven curry stains, six lager stains and one stain which he had absolutely no idea what it was. Kryten was thrilled. More laundry at last!

…….

Lister opened the door to room 31 on the C deck. He could have sworn he'd heard something in there. Something scuttling. Crawling. He shivered. He ought to check it out, just to be on the safe side.

He walked through, hearing the doors close behind him with a soft _jooongaa._

He leaned forward, there _was_ something scuttling. He pulled back a few crates. Squinting to see what it was.

His heart beat hard against his ribs. It was dark. He couldn't see anything. He sighed and turned away.

It was at that moment that an overgrown space weevil lurched out of the shadows, springing into Lister's face.

He was more than a little surprised. "Oh smeg!" he shouted, trying to rip the thing off his face.

It was scratching at him, with it's small but incredibly sharp claws, "Get off me you little bastard weevil!" he grabbed something from around him, it didn't feel very nice, but he didn't exactly care at that moment in time. He hit the space weevil off with it. And relaxed when he heard the squeal as it hit the wall with a wet thud.

He looked to see what he was holding. A glassy eye looked back. It was a fish. A dead one. Lister dropped it - smeg did it stink!

Fish? How did a _fish_ get in here?

He turned to get out of the room. But the doors didn't open. He frowned. "Oi! Holly let me out."

There was no response.

"Holly let me out of here!"

Nothing.

"HOLLY!"

…….

Rimmer was bored. There were a limited number of times, when staring into space is remotely interesting, and unfortunately this was not one of them, "Where's Lister got to?"

"How the hell would I know?" Cat said, snuggling up on a bunk.

"Well I don't know!"

"Exactly!"

"What?"

"Nobody knows, so why the hell are you asking?"

"I don't know!"

"Exactly!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes, "Oh this could go on forever."

"Exactly!"

"Shut up."

"Do you want to know where Dave is?" said Holly, materialising on the screen in front of them.

"Yes!"

"Oh… can't help you then."

"Well that's very helpful!"

"I know."

A few seconds later:

"Oh wait; yeah I do know where he is."

"WHERE?"

"He's on C deck, in room 31."

Cat practically leapt out of bed, "ROOM 31?"

"Yeah…" said Holly.

It took a while for her to realise that she was talking to thin air. Cat had run out of the room, legging it to C deck, as fast as he could without messing up his hair.

…….  
…….

New fic, awww! I love starting something new, especially when you have no idea what's going to happen… just so you know, I have _absolutely_ no idea what the plot is, or how this is going to end, so if I don't update for a bit you'll know that I've run out of smeggin' ideas! Cheers, oh yeah and review wonderful people! x.x


	2. RIIPPP!

Darn it, you people guessed it. Btw - I am now officially and thoroughly out of ideas, but don't worry, I'm gonna continue this pile of smeg anyway! Thanks to all who reviewed! Hell, I'll put all your names down hang on: **Zombie Kitty**, **Sunrise over the Tango factory**, **Jelly-jam rabbit**, **Giver-of-hope**, **Sojuske**, **reddwarfaddict**, **Hermione 2000**, and **Z  
**Cheers wonderful people, hope you like the next chapter, even though, frankly, it's pathetic. Lol.  
…….  
…….

The dwarfers were finally on C deck.

"GET OUT OF THERE BUD!" yelled Cat.

Rimmer had just caught up, gasping for breath, "What the smeg is going on?"

"I'm stuck in here!" Lister's voice sounded through the door.

Rimmer smirked. Cat practically screamed,

"Get out!"

"I can't!"

"I'LL BREAK THE DOOR DOWN!"

"Go ahead!"

"I will!"

"Good!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Here I come bud!"

Cat took a few steps back, and ran forward like a battering ram. At the last second the door opened and he came tumbling through. Then it closed again. Very quickly.

Rimmer stood for a second, working out what had just happened. Three seconds later he punched the air triumphantly, was this the best day of his life or what?

…….

Inside room 31:

Lister's face was stinging, those claws had been sharper than Cat's evening blue outfit with the zips and cufflinks. He was a bit surprised to find someone else in the room with him, "Cat? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it is buddie!"

Lister squinted; there was something different about the feline, "Why don't you move from the door?"

There was a second's pause, "I can't!"

"Why the smeg not?"

Cat's eyes flitted around the room. "Well for one thing, this is my fish supply."

"Okay…"

"For two things, this is my fish supply and there are some not very nice fish in here,"

Lister jumped away from the crates.

"And for three things, this is my fish supply, there are some not very nice fish in here, and the door closed so quickly my trousers have got caught in the middle!"

…….

"Where's Mr Lister sir?"

Rimmer smiled smugly. "I'm afraid that Mr Lister and Mr Cat are stuck in a smelly old room full of fish, mutated fish, mutated ugly fish, and mutated ugly killer fish."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Indeed."

"Well, we'll have to get them out sir!"

"Well I can't, as much as it pains me, I'm a hologram."

"Of course sir, I'll do it!"

"Be my guest."

Kryten took a few steps back. "Don't worry sirs, help is on the way!"

Two panicking voices yelled through the door, "No Kryten don't!"

It was too late, he rushed forward. The doors opened and closed again.

Lister sat with his head in his hands. Kryten lay on the floor in 3, roughly the same size, pieces.

And Cat stood with his hands over the large rip in his trousers.

"Buddy I have a serious problem!"

…….

Rimmer stood outside for a while, wondering what to do. He could help, or he could party. Help… or party.

He sighed.

As much as he hated them, he couldn't leave them in there alone. He had Lister to thank for that. That smelly space bum had gone and given him a conscience. The stupid git. What would he want one of those for?

A voice wafted through the door, it sounded afraid, "Rimmer? Are you still out there?"

It was Lister. He had to make the choice now: help or party. Was he a hero? Or a cheating lying weasly smegheady git?

His new found conscience battered him for a bit, before he decided.

_Ah smeg to that,_ thought Rimmer, _it wouldn't do them any harm to be in there for a couple of hours would it?_

Oh _yes_ it most definitely would.

…….  
…….  
Okay, I actually do have a few cobwebs of an idea in me head. Unless they're just cobwebs… which is likely, because I haven't cleaned my head out for a while – you should see the junk! I lost my mind in there a couple of weeks back, but oh well… I'll find it some day…  
Anyway, yeah, strayed off the point a bit - I have a few ideas, so I'll try and do the next chapter soon.  
Toodles x.x


	3. smegged off

Thanks! Sunrise over the Tango factory and Zombie kitty, you rule! cheers for reviewing! x.x  
…….  
…….

So Rimmer left them there.  
In Room 31.  
With a load of ugly mutated killer fish.  
Ah the peace and quiet!  
…….

Lister slammed a fist into the wall, "The smegging git - he's buggered off and left us!"

"Well, sir, we are dealing with Mr Rimmer here."

"Yeah." Said Lister with a frown, "But I thought he had changed."

The crates were practically moving forward by themselves. They could smell the fish. It was enough to make them nearly puke. It was like rancid meat or milk left out in the sun… or Lister's laundry basket.

It was getting colder too.

Lister was a little more than scared, "What the smeg are we gonna smegging do!"

"I dunno bud! My trousers are completely torn and my suits are all the way on the other side of this door!"

"Cat – we're gonna get eaten alive by a load of ugly mutated killer fish!"

Cat sobbed, "And my trousers are torn!"

Kryten tried his best to control the situation before Cat and Lister had heart attacks, "Sirs please, calm down!"

Lister closed his eyes and breathed. "Okay, we're not gonna get eaten alive. We're gonna be absolutely fine."

One of the crates rattled menacingly.

Cat squealed, "All I'm saying is that it's a good job these trousers go with brown!"

The three crew members backed away slowly.

Kryten noticed something, "Mr Lister sir, what happened to your face?"  
Lister touched the scratch marks tentatively, "I think a space weevil got at me."

Kryten looked a tad worried, "But space weevils don't have claws sir!"

"They – they don't?"

"No sir."

Cat frowned, "Oh bud, please don't tell me you got scratched by that huge killer fish that looks like a space weevil, but has massive claws!"

Lister poked the scratches with worry, "why?"

"What did you do with it?"

"… I killed it"

"Bud! I was keeping that for my _brunch_!"

"Sirs! This could be serious!"

"Yeah, now I'm gonna go hungry! I was looking forward to that!"

"No, I meant that the scratches could be infected or poisoned - or worse!"

"Oh yeah… I remember something…" the Cat pondered for a moment, while they hid behind a row of crates that had already been emptied, presumably by Cat.

He snapped his fingers, "I know! That fish thing was so poisonous that if you touched it you would die within a couple of days!"

Lister's heart skipped a beat, "WHAT?"

"I think anyway… or it might have been the one where you get really ill, and if you don't eat a tomato then you go into a coma… or the one where you feel fine until all your hair falls out!"

"Oh smeg. I'm gonna die!"

Cat sat down, leaning against the crate with a thoughtful look that didn't quite suit him, "Well I don't actually know, I mean, there are a lot of fish in here bud!"

"Mr Cat sir, if you don't mind me asking - _why_ the smeg did you keep all these fish in here, and _where_ the smeg did you get them from?"

"Well," Cat leaned in closer, motioning them to be quiet, "this is my secret supply, so don't tell _anyone_ about it. I picked up these beauties from all the planets we go to. I'd _hate_ for them to go to waste!"

"Sir that is the most incredibly stupid, and preposterous idea I've ever heard!"

"Thanks!"

…….

Meanwhile, Rimmer was having a nice quiet lie down on the bed. He listened for a moment with a smile; no guitar, no Cat moaning, no sounds of laundry. Just the sound of his Hammond organ music playing in the background.  
He was in _heaven_.  
_Yeah,_ prodded a little voice in the back of his head, _but your crewmates are in hell_. Rimmer scowled and promptly told this voice to smeg off. He settled back against the covers with a smile. Ah… peace.

And so Rimmer's conscience smegged off, it didn't want to be stuck with a horrible git like him anyway.

…….  
…….  
Yeah… review please! Next chapter is coming very soon x.x


	4. Little uglymutatedkiller fishy

Ah! Cheers: Sunrise over the Tango factory, Zombie Kitty, Giver-of-hope and Sojuske! I really feel sorry for Lister, he's always in so much pain in my stories. Poor old Listy. I apologise! Don't hate me!  
…….  
…….  
Chapter four:

Cat was sat on the floor, making sure that no one could see the rip in his trousers. He was currently ripping the stitches from the cuffs off neatly and trying to; smeg knows how, sew the hole up. Kryten was tightening, more securely; the bits of his body that were falling off. Lister was feeling incredibly dizzy. His face was stinging, like a large jug of lemon juice had been poured into the cuts.

A not so itsy bitsy teeny weeny, grotesque, disgustingly foul and ugly fishy thing flopped out from the crate.

"What's that?" asked Lister weakly, peering over the top of the crate.

Kryten gasped, "My goodness, it looks like the Ungotrillian Flopfish!"

"Oh…" Lister tried to make Kryten's head stop spinning in his vision, but it didn't help, "is it nice?"

"Yes, it's quite lovely sir… when it's dead and served up with a side order of tomato ketchup."

"So, it's not… nice?"

"Well no, it feasts on human flesh and is one of the most poisonous fishes in the galaxy!"

"Oh…" said Lister eyelids fluttering, "It looks… like the one…" he yawned, falling forward. Kryten caught him just in time, before he hit the floor, "That scratched me…"

"Hey! That's my brunch!" Cat said, looking from the fish to Lister lying on the floor with an eyebrow raised, "I thought the monkey said he killed it?"

Kryten laid Lister on the floor with rising panic, "The problem with Ungotrillian Flopfish is that they are extremely hard to get rid of sir!"

Cat rolled his eyes, "Yeah, but I bet it won't last a second against me!" he stuck his head over the side and started chanting: "I'm gonna eat you little fishy!"

"I suggest you shut up sir, before you get us all killed."

"I'M GONNA EAT YOU LITTLE FISHY!"

Well the Ungotrillian Flopfish definitely heard that. It made its way menacingly over to its prey.

Kryten made sure that they were hidden from the fish's view, and whispered, "It's getting colder sir – I think the Flopfish is lowering the temperature."

"So?"

"We have to get out of here sir! Mr Lister is seriously ill! The temperature is decreasing at an alarming and definitely not very healthy rate! And I don't think the air in here is going to last!"

"And my trousers are ripped!"

They could hear the Flopfish flopping around, hitting the floor with a wet slap.

Rimmer's voice panged through the door, "Dear me, you are in a pickle aren't you?"

"Mr Rimmer?"

"Yes?"

"You have to help, get Holly to open the doors!"

"How?"

"I don't know sir, but you have to hurry, I don't think Mr Lister is going to last long."

"Lister?" Oh god, he'd been hurt. "What happened to Lister?"

"No time to explain! Go!"

…….

Rimmer ran so fast he could have outrun the creatures of ohmygodajellybean, the planet which was inhabited by the fastest runners and very few jelly beans. Whenever one appeared they had to run and catch it, the freshly caught jellybeans could be sold on ebay2 for amazing prices, which I won't go into much detail on now, because you don't really want to know.

"Holly?" Rimmer gasped, out of breath for the second time that day, "Could you open the door to room 31 on C deck please?"

Holly looked at him for a second then said: "Nope."

He was a little taken back, "But – why? They're trapped in there!"

She sighed, "I know that, something's blocking my system, I can't do it sorry Arnold."

"Well smeg off then."

"Of course, they _could_ use…"

"What? What could they use?"

"Sorry. I've smegged off." She replied smugly.

"Please Holly!"

"Fine. The air ducts. As long as they head left they'll get out alright."

"Yeah…" before he left he said something to the computer that he never thought he would ever say. "Thanks."

Holly smiled a surprised but pleased smile, "Your welcome Arnold."

…….  
…….

Ooh air ducts? This would be good if I had a clue what was coming next. I'm hoping it'll work out! Review please wonderful people who review


	5. through the vent!

Hehe. Thanks very very much to **Reddwarfaddict** and **Zombie kitty**: fantastically lovely people and the _only_ reviewers for chapter four… Grr… ah well, you can't have it all - Now, on with the chappie! And you better thank me, because it's a very long one that will waste your time. Ha!

…….  
…….  
Chapter five:

"You'll have to use the air ducts!" Rimmer said.

Kryten opened up the vent with a harsh clang, if he could wince he would have. But he didn't, because he couldn't. Lister's head was lolling around, his face a burning red. Kryten hurled him into the shaft as fast as he could. That darn fish had heard them.

Cat slunk over to them, "I could take that fish any day!"

"But sir we don't have the time, you must get into the duct."

"But… it looks so _tasty_!"

"I must insist sir!"

Cat stepped lightly into the shaft, "I can't believe I'm taking orders from someone who looks like something you'd use for tenderising meat!"

The fish was getting nearer, Kryten could see it standing on its fins and sucking in the putrid air around it. There was something about Ungotrillian Flopfish he had forgotten. He couldn't remember what it was, _oh well_, he thought as he clambered inside. Kryten shook his head, closing the vent with another hideous clang. The fish leapt forward. Kryten jumped back in surprise. Oh! He _remembered_ now. They could squeeze through holes. Small holes. Small holes like the ones in the vent opening.

The disgusting fishy thing squished through the bars. It's head shrinking grotesquely.

Kryten squealed, "Run!"

…….

Something lurked in the very bowels of the ship. But no one gave a smeg; they were a bit preoccupied at the moment.

Several things laughed manically, their voices echoing of the darkened walls. Nobody noticed. They laughed harder, their voices shaking the doors and panels. But no one gave a cookie. Not a sugar drop. Not a piece of crap on the bottom of your new shoes you were desperately trying to keep clean but couldn't quite keep your self from accidentally stepping on a brown lump on the grass while wearing them. The things gave up and decided to get the crew in secret; it would be more fun…. And more evil! "MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

…….

Cat was already a couple of metres ahead, "Buddie where the hell are we supposed to go?"

"Just go forward sir." Kryten said. He was pulling Lister along with him, which was quite hard to do, seeing as they were in a vent just wide enough for one and a half people. He had decided not to tell Cat that the killer Ungotrillian Flopfish was right behind them. He didn't want to cause any panic.

Cat stopped, sniffing the air, "I can smell something bud, and it's pretty disgusting too."

"Please sir, move! We don't have much time!"

"It's getting closer! God, it really stinks!"

"Sir!"

"Oh wait – I know what it is! It's that fish-"

He was cut off when he saw the Ungotrillian Flopfish coming round the corner of the vent.

"Oh Shi-"

…….

"Holly?" Rimmer was pacing the corridor, "Are they out yet?"

"No Arnold, they're not out yet. I told you that 2 seconds ago."

Great. It was Arnold Judas Rimmer's fault yet again. He stopped his pacing wanting to sink to the floor. Looks like his conscience had come back from holiday. And Lister was hurt. It was always his fault.

"Can I do anything?" he asked softly,

"Of course you can't! You're soft light."

"I could tell them how to get out."  
"Well… there is that." Holly stopped again, realising she was talking to an empty space. She groaned. That's the second time today!

…….

"Go left!" Rimmer yelled.

He could hear a lot of muffled scraping and shuffling coming from the vents above. They were heading right.

"Left! Left you stupid people!"

The sound continued to go right.

"You smegging goits! Go LEFT!"

No use, either they couldn't hear him, or they were just plain stupid. Rimmer considered this for a second, the second option seemed most likely. He ran back over to the screen.

"Holly?"

She rolled her eyes with a sigh, "Yes Arnold, what is it now?"

"They're going left!"

"Oh… and that's bad?"

"What – I don't know! You _said_ it was!"

"I did?"

"Yes! What's to the right?"

"I haven't a clue."

Rimmer was getting a little more than annoyed, "Look Holly – what is to the right that's so bad?" he enunciated each syllable extremely clearly and accurately, "why-can't-they-go-through-the-vents-to-the-right?"

"Well… is it _your_ right?"

"What?"

"Was it _your_ right, or _my_ right? Or was it _their_ right?"

"I don't know!"

"Well then how am I supposed to answer!

"Okay, I think it was _my_ right!"

"What - from where you are now?"

"No, from down the corridor."

"Right…" she thought about this, "what did you want to know again?"

"OH FOR SMEG'S SAKE!"

…….  
…….

Very bored here! Please review, and if ya didn't review for the last chappie can you do that too. Or put it in the same review… or whatever! Mm… this banana's nice. Anyway… Review please!


	6. couldn't see

Ah confusion, I love it. REVIEW! I know I sound very needy and annoying, but frankly I don't give a smeg, **please review**! Cheers x.x  
…….  
…….

Lister felt so groggy he could have spent a year working in a lingerie shop and not noticed. His face felt smegging awful. And when he tried to lift his hands up to touch the scratch marks he found that he couldn't. It was as if they tied down with thick heavy bonds. But they weren't. A rising panic filled his chest. He tried to speak, but all he could do was move his lips a little. Even then the pain struck him like a sharp slap in the face.

Maybe if he opened his eyes. There was a lot of noise around him, shuffling, shouting. Voices. Rimmer. He could hear Rimmer. He opened his eyes. It was dark. Black. He would have screamed had he had the energy. He couldn't see. His heart welled up with horror and fear. He could just about make out two shapes above him, but they were misty and unfocused.

He couldn't see.

…….

Rimmer peered at the vent opening with a frown. He had to help them. The vent had a grate at the opening. The grate was a square, with gaps just wide enough to fit your fist through.

Rimmer thought.

_Wide enough to fit your fist through. _

Rimmer thought harder. Then his brain screeched at him,

"_God, It's so smegging easy you goit! What's smaller than your fist that can fit through - the only thing that's solid about you." _

Rimmer made a face, he had never been good with riddles,

His brain persisted, _"The thing that you need to fit through the bars so you can reappear inside the vent?"_

Nope, still not a clue,

"_You're light bee!"_

"That's it!" cried Rimmer; he had finally cottoned on, "I'm coming up there!"

Holly smiled, "And how are you gonna do that?"

"I'll bounce."

"What?"

"I'll bounce my light bee through the grate and reappear on the other side - inside the vent!"

"Ha! I'd like to see you try!"

Rimmer jumped up, hitting his light bee against the grate with a sharp scraping sound that could set your teeth on edge. He had to get the aim right.

Ten minutes later, and he finally got it right. His light bee tumbled through the opening with a soft clink. He appeared, shuffling through the vent with a look of grim determination. Now to help. Help Lister.

…….

"Sir, drag Mister Lister ahead. I'll fight the fish off!"

"I ain't gonna argue with that bud." Cat stopped, "Wait a minute - yes I am! I'm not gonna drag curry breath! He'll ruin my…" he was about to say suit, but didn't. There were 2 reasons: one, his suit was already ripped, and two, the demon Ungotrillian Flopfish was clawing its way forward, its eyes bulging with hatred. Cat took Lister and legged it.

Legged it to the right.

…….

Rimmer knew they were going the wrong way, he could hear them.

He yelled as loud as he could for them to go left. Yelled 'til his voice was sore. And to his relief, they stopped. And instead started shuffling his way, to the right of the vent.

It was about time they got out after all.

Rimmer could see them, Cat and Lister, slowly coming towards him. Lister definitely looked the worst for wear.

He didn't even feel the need to joke about the extremely funny and strategically placed rip in the Cat's trousers. He didn't know Cat had such a peculiar taste in underwear.

His blood ran cold. His gaze fell to Lister - ghost white, except for the deep gashes, clearly visible on his face. They were a dark burning red, in horrific contrast to his pale skin. He was unconscious, and was being pulled along by the frightened cat.

"Lister?"

Cat spun around, at the sound of Rimmer's voice, "Oh - it was _you_ who shouted left! I thought I was imagining your repulsive voice. Thought I was going mad!"

Rimmer looked at Lister with concern and some panic,"What happened to him?"

"What – chipmunk cheeks?"

"Yes."

"This crazy fish got him. Blooming cheek, I was gonna eat it - some people are so selfish!"

They clambered out of the shaft, Lister's body falling to the ground. He woke, opening his eyes sharply.

But he couldn't see them.

…….  
…….

I would like to express my appreciation of reviews. Ahem - "THANKS SO SMEGGING MUCH! I LOVE YA!"  
So thanks to:

**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – don't worry 'bout the review lol, my computer buggers up all the time! Cheers for makin me happy!

**Zombie kitty** – thanks for the review! The left right thing confused me too, but I thought – hey, what the hell, I'll post it!

**Hermione 2000** - aaww! Nice! Thanks. Complication rules. Hope you liked the chappie!

**Jellyjam rabbit** – Yay! Hehe. Thanks for that, I love hitchhikers! lol


	7. Blind

Meh - reviews rule the world! **Sunrise over the Tango factory**, **Zombie kitty** and **Hermione 2000**, hugs to you dearies!

**The rest, shame on you for not reviewing!**

This chapter's one that I dreamt up in my head whilst trying to get to sleep at about 3 am. It was good then, (at least I think it was, I was really sleepy at the time,) but I kinda forgot about it then tried to remember it then got all muddled. So now it's just plain weird. Ah well, read it anyway and review:

…….  
…….

Lister was sat on the medibay bed. He had never been so scared in all his life. His hands, were grasping the edge of the bed, reassuring himself that it was there.

All he could see was an impenetrable darkness all around him. An empty abyss. Where he was alone. Alone.

Trembling with fear, and the cold that was seeping into his skin, Lister shuddered. He could see nothing but the black. He had no idea where he was, or what to do. His heart was beating so fast against his ribs that it hurt; the blood pumping in his ears.

He felt sick.

His voice sounded strangely quiet when he spoke, fearful, unwell. "Where am I?"

"In the medibay," Rimmer replied softly,

Lister nodded slowly, a tear creeping out of the corner of his deep brown eyes.

He didn't know how to put what he needed to say.

So he said nothing.

The next time he heard Rimmer's voice it was closer, near where he was sitting.

"Lister, are you okay?"

Lister shook his head, closing his eyes as the tears threatened to fall.

"I… I can't see you man." The panic clenched his words,

Rimmer's heart nearly stopped. That's why he'd been acting so strangely. Lister couldn't see.

"Rimmer?" Lister's voice broke through. He was scared. "Where are you?"

"I'm right here."

Lister reached out his fingers,

"Don't leave me." Lister said, his voice cracking.

Rimmer leaned forward, so that Lister's fingers rested on his light bee, "I won't. I promise."

…….

Meanwhile, back in vent with the ugly, mutated, killer, Ungotrillian Flopfish, Kryten was having some trouble. As mentioned before, Ungotrillian Flopfish are extremely hard to get rid of. Kryten's method of whacking it over the head with one of his arms wasn't exactly working. Fortunately, he wasn't really expecting it too. He was just the diversion.

"Ha!" sucked the fish, "You can never defeat me! I'm undefeatable!"

It did a little forward flip, landing squelchily on its fins. Then it laughed. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kryten looked at it with a little distaste.

It continued, louder this time. Kryten could see its green tongue and sharp pointed teeth. They loved to laugh these foreign species of fish.

"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - "

It stopped, halfway through its manic burst of laughter.

The reason it did this was because it was dead.

It had just been squished by the heavy end of a bazookoid, wielded by a certain hungry feline. Cat grinned. Kryten looked up at him and smiled.

"Thank you sir!"

Cat shrugged, gathering the fish up into his arms,

"I'm gonna eat you little fishy!"

And he did.

…….

By the time Kryten got there Lister had long since fallen asleep. Rimmer hadn't left his side. He didn't look up when Kryten entered. He was looking at Lister's still pale face with concern etched into his features. He'd lost count of the times he had sat here. It was always Lister who got hurt. Most of the time it was Rimmer's fault. He tried hold Lister's hand, but ended up resting his light one on top of it. He'd get through this. He would.

"Mr Rimmer?"

He still didn't look around, he just nodded.

Kryten hesitated for a moment, and then asked "How is he sir?"

Rimmer turned to face the mechanoid, "He…" Rimmer took a breath, "He's not well Kryten."

"What do you mean sir?"

"We took him here. He – he couldn't see me." Rimmer's eyes welled with tears that couldn't fall. "He's blind."

…….

Somewhere in the ship, I haven't a clue where, the secret army of Ungotrillian Flopfish were having a little meeting.

"They killed the secret assassin!"

"Oh well..." The Chief Ungotrillian Flopfish stroked its chin with a floppy fin, "We have another plan!"

The room was filled with expectant fishy eyes.

It cleared its throat, "We'll kill them!"

It threw its head back, laughing hysterically.

The other fish looked at each other, and then started cackling evilly aswell.

It's strange, hearing a fish laugh. It's stranger still, hearing millions of fish laugh. But the strangest thing of all, was that Holly, the ship's computer, didn't hear them laughing. She was too busy playing noughts and crosses with herself.

…….  
…….

Awww. 'fraid it's not all sunshine and lollypops - I love being cruel. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And I love manic laughter as well!


	8. tears and fears

Yes yes, I think everyone knows that I love reviews by now.

…….  
…….

Cat rushed into the room, "Buds, I smell something."

"What?" Rimmer looked up almost in anger that he had disturbed the peace in the medibay,

"Well…" he shifted nervously, "It smells a lot like that evil Ungotrillian Flopfish only a _million_ times worse!"

"That's impossible sir, there are no other strange life forms on board, Holly would have said something, surely!"

…….

Lister woke, starting in panic as the blackness closed in at him. His eyes darted around, his breathing harsh.

"It's alright Lister!"

He calmed slightly at the sound of Rimmer's voice.

"Sir, everything's going to be fine. We just have to get out of here."

Lister felt Kryten's arms lifting him out of the bed. Lister's head swam, he could hear Kryten squeaking in a high-pitched exceedingly guilty voice: "I'm so sorry Mr Lister!"

Lister shook his head, trying to show that he was alright, but he wasn't.

"I'll have to carry you sir, we don't have a wheelchair handy."

Lister planted his feet firmly on the ground. Using Kryten to keep himself steady, "It's alright Krytes…" he said; his voice croaky and unused, "I'll walk."

There was an uneasy stillness, as if they were unsure of what to say. Lister broke the silence, as Kryten helped him out of the room,

"Where – where are we going?"

"Away from here sir, we need to contact Holly."

Lister reached his hands forward, his fingertips brushing lightly against the corridor walls. He tried to remember where he was.

"We should go up." He decidedly suddenly,

"Why?"

"I can hear something below that's not gonna be pretty."

…….

That was true. The fish were making their way up the levels of the ship, giggling away to themselves. They looked almost comical, an army of killer fish all walking on their fins and laughing. Pretty stupid really. I suppose they had their reasons. I mean, you'd want to kill the crew if one of them had stolen many of your cousins and aunties and god _knows_ what other relatives, for scoffing.

Can't really blame them can you?

…….

Progress was slow. Lister kept stumbling and tripping. Kryten did his best to keep him going. But Lister couldn't help thinking he was just slowing them down. They could get away much faster without him. A sob got caught in his throat. He was so scared.

"Buds? I think they're getting closer!"

"Just keep going will you!" Rimmer shouted angrily, "we'll never get anywhere if you keep stopping every few seconds stating stupid remarks!"

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are, you keep stopping and saying: 'my ass is beautiful!' 'My ass is _nice_!' and 'my ass is so god damn stunning!'"

"You're just jealous bud! It ain't my fault that I have such a drop dead _gorgeous_ ass!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes with a snort, "I'm just glad you changed your suit, the sight of your panty-wearing behind was making me want to puke."

"How do you think I feel? I have to put up with looking at _you_ every day!"

Lister was unusually quiet. Rimmer realised with a pang of guilt that he was being left out.

He strode forward, coming up by Lister, "Where exactly are we going?"

"We've got to find Holly sir; she's nowhere to be seen. The screens aren't working properly."

Lister stopped suddenly.

"Mr Lister sir, what's wrong?"

Lister wiped his eyes with the heel of his hand. "Just leave me here Kryten."

"What?"

"I'm slowing you down… I can't keep going…"

"Sir -"

"No. It's true." There was nothing for him to do. He was useless. They didn't want him here anyway. "I can't help you. You're… you're better off on your own."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say Listy, and I've heard you say a _lot_ of stupid things." Rimmer's voice was by the side of him, he could feel his light bee nudging at his shoulder.

"We're not going to leave you here Lister. Just because you can't see doesn't mean we're going to leave you behind."

Lister smiled weakly.

Rimmer added a little more harshly: "Now get going, before we get killed!" He didn't want them thinking he'd gone all soft.

Lister nodded walking forward. If he could help in anyway he would.

…….  
…….

**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – aww, I'm honoured that you like it!

**Zombie Kitty** – lol yeah, maybe less than a week though!

**Hermione 2000** – heh, I love being evil, hope you liked the chappie.

Okay people, leave a review after you've read this please!


	9. consciences and other stuff

Yay!

**Sojuske** - Thanks for reviewing **5** times! I love reviews! Did you have a nice time at the aquarium? -And oh yes, the fish tinker with a lot of things.

**Zombie** **kitty** – hope your keyboard gets fixed! I NEED MORE OF YOUR STORY! Thanks for the extra long review lol. I'm trying to put more Cat in.

**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – heh - that boosted my confidence! Thank you for liking it, here's another chappie!

**Hermione 2000** – cheers! It's nice to know people don't mind being late for work because they wanted to read lol.

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – I am extremely glad you love it! Thanks for the review dear. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Okay, this may look long, but next to nothing happens in it. Sorry guys! I've drawn a blank at the moment. More excitement coming soon, I promise!

…….  
…….

They were still walking through the corridors looking for Holly; but every screen they came to was broken.

Lister shivered, "Guys?"

"What?" Rimmer was still walking by his side. Lister was glad of his company even though he couldn't see him. There was something oddly comforting about his presence.

"Is it me," his eyes flickered around, as if trying to see what was happening, "or is it getting colder?"

"I haven't a clue."

There was a sudden beep as Kryten checked, "It does seem that the temperature is lowering sir."

"Hey -" The Cat sprung in, "I just got dejayvooey!"

"Do you mean déjà vu sir?"

"I know what I mean."

"Yes… this does seem a little familiar." Kryten kept walking, "Oh I remember now sir, it was those killer fish - they lower the temperature wherever they go."

"Ah." Said Rimmer, his pace quickening, "Well I suggest that we run then. Very fast."

"That seems like a good idea sir."

"RUN!"

Kryten grabbed Lister, flipping him over his shoulder. "I know you said you wanted to walk sir, but I really don't want us all to die."

Lister smiled. Ah well, his feet were hurting anyway.

…….

The fish could see them, running ahead like maniacs on steroids.

There was that Cat with them. The fish bristled. There was something about him that made their blood curdle. He was a menace and needed to be stopped.

The hologram, he seemed mean, but there was something else too. Friendship.

The mechanoid was just annoying; he seemed to give the others ideas. And was definitely the intelligent one of the group.

Then there was the human. He was injured, that was clear. He'd obviously not had the worst effects of the venom yet. Though it seemed he had already gone blind.

Here's a random but not quite random fact for you:

Ungotrillian Flopfish have _very_ _small_ consciences. However, if one happens to do _many_ bad things, the consciences tend to get a tad annoyed, and have a bit of a shout.

The Chief Flopfish shifted uneasily; his conscience was finally having a nibble:

The _human hasn't really done anything wrong. He needs medical attention!_

Yeah, but who cares! He's in league with that cat.

_But he's nice!_

He must be bad if the assassin clawed at him.

_But the assassin has been known to get a little too excited._

Ah to hell with you! The human is bad. He should die!

_That's not right._

I don't care. Bog off.

The conscience sighed, there were so many other things to get through, and he could drop a few at least. _Fine. Now onto the matter of you not eating you brussel sprouts last weekend. Mother wasn't happy about that._

Yes, but mother is dead now, so it doesn't really matter.

_But only because you hit her to death with a saucepan._

Oh shut up.

…….

Lister was feeling incredibly sick. He tried to tell Kryten, but every time he opened his mouth he felt like he was going to puke. The steady rhythm of Kryten's running, along with his jerky movements, wasn't helping in the slightest.

He ended up groaning.

Rimmer was instantly alert, "What is it Lister?"

Lister shook his head, bringing a hand up to his mouth and closing his eyes. Not that it helped. If anything it made him feel worse.

"What? Do you feel ill?"

Lister finally managed to get some words out, "I'm gonna be sick."

And he was.

Not pretty.

Rimmer looked with disgust.

Kryten put him down for a moment, concerned, "Oh sir!

Lister was shaking, and breathing heavily. He wiped his mouth with a shaky hand; he could still taste the vile tang.

Rimmer knelt next to him, "Feel better now?"

He shook his head with a soft moan.

Cat sighed, already bored with the situation, "I'm hungry!"

Nobody said anything. They tended to ignore Cat. It was for the best.

"I'm hungry!" he said again louder, slumping against the wall, "Does anyone know where there are any fish?"  
Rimmer rolled his eyes, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "Hmm. Let me think for a second there. Could their possibly be some fish following us?"

"Yeah, I know that bud, I smelt them."

"Well why don't you do us all a favour and go back and eradicate them - If you get yourself killed in the process even better!"

"Naa, it's not worth it bud. They haven't got the right flavour."

"What?"

"I think I prefer salmon."

"You mean," Rimmer pointed out testily, "You put everyone's lives in danger for a load of killer fish that don't even _taste_ nice? And you'd rather have eaten the fish that we already had on board?"  
"Bud, you're making this sound like it's _my_ fault."

"I really don't know how you sleep at night!"

"Neither do I! One look at your face is enough to give anyone nightmares."

The sound of fish flopping around echoed through the corridor. Ah bugger, they were catching up.

"Sir, I'll carry you again, we need to find Holly as quickly as possible."

Lister didn't reply. His eyes were only half open. Unseeing.

"Lister?"

His eyelids slid shut.

"The poison must be worse than we thought sirs." Kryten picked Lister up carefully, "We need help."

…….  
…….

Okay people – REVIEW!


	10. something in my hair

Ello! Thanks to **Zombie kitty** for giving me a lovely idea, because I was quite stuck. Thankyou! I love your stories!  
**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – thanks! I luv it when people like my stories!  
**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – I hope I'm keeping it up dear :D  
**Hermione 2000** – cheers -ah yes, run guys run! Those fish are evil I tell you!  
**Reddwarfaddict** - I.am.Calm. not! (manic laughing) -reviews! I love em thank you.

…….  
…….

It was getting cold now. Although Rimmer couldn't feel it, he could see icy tendrils snaking the walls ahead of him.

Cat panted, his breath materialising in front of him like a small cloud, "Where the hell are we going buds? My feet hurt!"

"We have to find Holly sir; it's the only way we can get out of this mess."

"Couldn't we stop for a second?"

"No."

"But I need a brush; all this cold air is sucking the nutrients from my hair!"

Rimmer lagged behind as Kryten walked ahead, so that he could keep a closer eye on Lister. His pale face was rocking silently as Kryten walked, hinted with blue. He had to make it. They had gotten so far.

But if they kept going at this rate he wasn't going to last long.

As Rimmer gazed at his friend, slung over Kryten's shoulder, he noticed something. Something that he really wanted to kick himself for not noticing before. In fact, he was so _gobsmacked_ by the fact that it was so simple and obvious and the fact that he couldn't believe he hadn't even looked at it twice before, that he found he couldn't speak.

He was well and truly gobsmacked.

Cat, on the other hand, wasn't. "Does no one care? MY HAIR IS RUINED! It's gonna take weeks to get my silky sheen back!" they kept walking, ignoring the feline as they usually did. Cat clenched his fists, "You people have no respect for hair whatsoever! You make me _sick_!"

They carried on at a brisk pace for a few moments while Rimmer tried to grasp the English language again.

He mumbled a couple of words, none of which made any sense at all, so I'm not even going to bother to write them down.

"What was that sir?"

He tried again, to no avail.

And again, at which some words tumbled out: "So stupid. Smeggin' stupid." Not very helpful though.

Kryten caught the mumbles and asked: "What is sir?"

Nope, the words were stuck.

Rimmer flared his nostrils, and decided to show them instead. He lifted one of Lister's arms up slowly, and pulled back the shirt sleeve that was hanging over his wrist.

Kryten and Cat peered forward expectantly.

"Alright dudes?"

It was Holly, on Lister's watch.

The watch they had carried with them the whole way.

The watch they could have looked at anytime.

Rimmer looked at the small screen, expecting to feel angry, but somehow he didn't. "hello." He said.

…….

The chief Ungotrillian Flopfish had had enough of this wild goose chase, it was time for action.

"Okay, when I say 'go' we'll pounce!"

The group of Flopfish nodded.

"so when I say go you do what?"

"Pounce!" came the chorus.

"Ready?"

A row of nodding fishy heads.

"Okay…"

You could have cut the atmosphere with a chainsaw.

Not a knife though. Not tough enough.

The fish peered around the corridor corner; "Ready… and…" he took a deep breath, "bananas!"

It laughed, spouting between bursts of hysterical laughter: "HA! You - thought I was going - to say go - and I didn't! How stupid do _you_ look?"

He then realised that there was no one there, they had all already pounced. "Ah bugger…" he said, running as hard as his little fins could, "they do it every time!"

.……

Ah pouncing. The second most likely thing an Ungotrillian Flopfish will do to you.

They're not particularly good at it. But in this case they got the desired effect.

Cat was jumping up and down waving his arms about and causing a mini earthquake.

"AAHHHH! THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY HAIR!"

Rimmer didn't even bother to look, "Oh shut up Cat."

"NO REALLY BUDS!"

"Cat, it's probably like the last time you had something in your hair, remember? When it was that hat you were wearing at the time?"

"BUD I'M SERIOUS!"

Rimmer turned around and rolled his eyes.

Then he looked at Cat and screeched.

"AAHHHH! THERE'S SOMETHING IN YOUR HAIR!"

Cat screamed, "I know! What is it bud?"

Rimmer made a face, "It's disgusting!"

"Get it out! Get it out!"

"I'm not touching it!"

"Sirs, what is the _matter_?" he looked a bit agitated that they had disturbed his long-awaited talk with Holly.  
"THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY HAIR!"

Kryten plucked it out, whilst still holding Lister and looking at Holly on the watch. Which was quite hard to do really.

"Oh sir. It's just a fish!" He sighed, chucking it aside, "You've got yourself all worked up about nothing."

Then it struck him. "Fish?"

"AAHHHH!"

It was then that the army of Ungotrillian Flopfish leapt forward, like a load of filthy rats. Swarming over them and cackling with their evil laughter.

…….  
…….

I tell you - how evil is school? How can they put Maths _and_ French together in the same day and still sleep at night?  
Anyway.  
Ah… so they finally find Holly, but they get attacked as well. (grins) my work here is done. Now to do the next chappie! And… revise for French… bleeurrgh…


	11. Cat to the rescue again

Ah oranges; a fruity fruit, filled with… orangeyness.  
**Hermione 2000** - Lol, no good asking me what's going to happen, coz I haven't a clue dear!  
**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – cheers! PE and dance in the same day? Omg! How awful!  
**Zombie kitty** – here's the next chappie, keep going with your stories!  
**Reddwarfaddict** – a tin of sardines eh? Good good, for a minute there I thought you were a tad mad…**  
Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – you are so nice! Thanks for liking me story, I'll try and keep you entertained. :D  
…….  
…….

Cat woke to the sound of lots of fishy things squabbling.

"What the hell?"

He tried to stand up, noticing with a little surprise that he was covered from head to foot in rope. Big thick coils of rope. He fell back on the floor with a muffled thump.

Oh what a lovely day.

"Help!" He screeched, wriggling around like a demented cocoon, "I'm being held captive by some smelly fish and they've wrapped me up with a load of rope!" No answer, he sobbed for a moment then screamed: "My suit is gonna get wrinkled! It'll take me ages to get the creases out!"

"Shut up." Said a fish, threateningly wafting his claw-like fins in front of Cat's face.

Cat shut his eyes tight. Maybe this was a dream. Although normally his dreams didn't contain evil fish that hold people against their will. It was normally the other way round in fact.

"Oi you cat creature thing." said the familiar rasp of the fish's voice.

Cat opened one eye and looked at him, "What now?"

The fish narrowed his eyes, leaning in closer, "I don't like you."

Cat grinned, "Good, coz I don't like you either – you're so bad I don't even feel like _eating_ you!"

The fish was right up close, his face inches away from Cat's, "Oh yeah, well I'm gonna knock you so hard you won't even know what's hit you!" it waved it's fins around to emphasise its point.

Cat smiled so that his pointy canine teeth showed, "Thank god –I'd hate to know that you hit me, I'd never stop washing myself!" he made a face, gazing up at the Ungotrillian Flopfish with distaste, "you're one _hell_ of an ugly fish!"

"Sir, I think you're emotional outburst is just proving to irritate them further."

The sentence made a slight whooshing noise as it flew over Cat's head, "What?"

"Shut up."

"Hey, where's Goalpost head?"

"I'm here." Came the tinny reply.

Cat squinted, "Where, I can't see you!"

"Down here." Rimmer was inside his light bee. It was lying on the floor coiled with rope, with a double knot. The fish weren't taking any chances.

"Oh my god," Cat almost burst with laughter, "you're in that little thing?"

"Yes."

"Ha!" said Cat, rolling over to one side like an overgrown caterpillar. "Bud, you look pretty stupid!"

A quiet voice sounded unsurely, "Guys?"

"Who? What?" said Cat.

"It's… me Lister." The voice was slow and scared.

"Are you alright sir?"

There was a shuffle, "Not really no."

"What is it?"

"I can't see where we are; I - I think I'm going mad!"  
"Why?"

"There seems to be a lot of killer fish threatening me!"

"Don't worry sir, that's perfectly normal."

"Oh… okay then."

Silence for a while.

"Sir?"

No reply, he had probably fainted again. It was for the best, the worst effects of the poison were going to take place soon, and he didn't want to be awake when that happened.

Kryten listened for a moment; the fish seemed to have left the room. No doubt plotting how they could kill their prisoners without making much of a mess.

"Mr Cat sir," he whispered, "I want you to try and flop over to Mr Lister."

"Why?"

"Because I can't sir, I'm tied to the wall. I have already tried to saw myself out with one of my arms, but I've almost round it down to the circuits and I'm still not free."

"Oh, okay bud!" He shuffled along the floor. Not really getting anywhere. "Why am I doing this again?"

"You have to contact Holly!"

"Oh right! I hope you know what I'm putting myself through for you guys. This suit is gonna get scuff marks!" he flung himself forward, with all the grace of a flying brick. Rimmer snorted, rocking his light bee around on the floor for a bit.

"Shut up bud, at least I don't look like a three inch high ball of string!" a sudden idea popped into his mind.

A ball of string? He would _have_ to play with it later. Right now he was a little preoccupied in saving everyone's lives.

"Hang on a minute bud, I've been in this before!"

"What?"

"I.have.been.in.this.before.buds! I know how to get out! I'm so damn amazing!"

Rimmer sighed, "what?"

"My claws! They're like my best feature! Women love a cat with claws!"

"What women are they?" Rimmer scoffed, "Dead ones?"

Cat grinned, "You wait bud, I'm gonna get you later." He sliced through the ropes like a knife through butter, (not butter that you've lost in the fridge and scooped out early in the morning to spread on your sandwiches when you've run out of tuna and mayonnaise because that's all hard like a brick as it's been left in there for years and has mould growing on it,) this butter would be nice and soft.

"Right," said Cat, leaping up and smoothing the creases from his trousers. He grinned a flashy grin, "Now I've got some lifesaving to do."

.……  
…….  
Review please! x.x


	12. what the smeg?

**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – Cheers for the compliments. Spin off story? I don't even know what's going on in this one yet lol!

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – lol, I make people smile! Oh how luvly! Thanks so very much for reviewing dear :D

**Zombie Kitty** – thanks! Heh, Cat playin with Rimmer, ah what fun!

**Hermione 2000** – yeah I know - captured by fish, what a bummer. :D

Okay, I think I've got a small case of writer's block :( But I'm gonna keep going if it kills me. xx

…….  
…….

Resisting the urge to bat Rimmer with a claw, Cat pranced elegantly over to where Lister lay. And dear me, did our poor Listy not look well.

"Bud?"

Lister moaned softly, but did not wake. Cat shrugged and unstrapped the watch from his wrist. He smiled, boy was he _good_! He did a little celebratory moonwalk back over to Kryten and Rimmer. "No need to thank me buds!" he grinned, "well, actually there is! See what a lovely Cat I am? I risked _everything_ for you guys."

"Thank you sir!"

"No problem… well actually - yeah it _was_ a problem! I risked my life, my suits, my hair! And for what?" he pulled a face, "I'll tell you what - I risked it all for you. Can you believe it? You!"

"That's great sir, could we possibly have Holly now?"

"I can't believe it! I'm going mad! I risked -"

"Sir! This is urgent!"

"-everything for you! You disgusting no fashion wannabes!"

Rimmer had had quite enough and bellowed: "Cat! Shut the _smeg_ up and give us Holly before I whack you round the head!"

Cat stopped a minute, surprised.

"I'd like to see you try!"

Kryten sighed; this was not going to end well. "Sirs, before you indulge yourselves by causing each other physical harm may I please have the Holly watch?"

"Sure bud!" Cat chucked it over to Kryten and rolled up his sleeves. "You ready?"

Rimmer seemed to have gone quiet all of a sudden.

"Bud, what's the matter, you're not scared are you?"

"Um… sir? If I may interrupt again, could you please untie me first? I'm having some difficulty holding the watch without any arms to hold it with."  
Cat slashed the ropes with a claw, setting Kryten free in a second.

Rimmer squeaked, using this opportunity to roll away as fast as the knotted string would let him.

Cat looked around, "OI!" he shouted, bounding after Rimmer, "You can't run from a cat!"

…….

Meanwhile the strangest thing was happening to Lister. He opened his eyes, to see bright pink. He squinted. The colour was the worst shade of magenta he had ever seen.

It reminded him of that oh so awful planet of pinkfluff.

And then unexpectedly, there wasn't pink. Only darkness. Lister shivered as the claustrophobia gripped him again.

What the smeg was going on? One minute he could see, and the next nothing. His head was beginning to ache. He shut his eyes hard. Then opened them; no pink this time. No darkness either.

But there were a hell of a lot of fish.

He blinked, was his vision coming back?

The answer was no. ha!

He closed his eyes, not wanting the evil fishy eyes to glare at him anymore. Unfortunately he had no such luck. Even with his eyes closed he could see them, jeering at him, sneering, pulling their mouths up in disgust.

Then, suddenly, they were all over him, stabbing him with a million tiny knives, tearing at his skin with vicious claws.

He screamed, "GET OFF!"

"Sir please calm down!" Kryten tried to hold him steady, tried to stop him thrashing around on the floor in pain. But Lister didn't see Kryten. Instead he saw a towering six foot hairy scary GELF. Oh joy.

"AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!"

"Sir, please, it's me Kryten!"

"GET OFF ME!"

Kryten held him down; unaware that even touching Lister was enough to cause twenty bucketfuls of pain.

"You disgusting GELF, I don't love you! GET OFF ME!"

"Sir, this is incredibly silly, I am not a GELF, please calm down!"  
"NOOOOOO! I don't wanna be your sex toy!"

"Holly?" Kryten said, pinning Lister down and fumbling with the watch, "What an earth is going on?"

She tossed her hair back, "Oh that's right, forget about me for _ages_ and then ask me a lifesaving question. Well tough - I'm not going to tell you now."

"Please Holly!"

She rolled her eyes, "this is just another effect of the poison,"

"Of course! What shall I do?"

She smiled, "Watch him, its quite fun."  
…….  
…….


	13. ah friendship

Thankyou **Zombie kitty**, once again for giving me a decent idea to write! Have a hug! Keep writing as well, I need more of your stories! xx

**Sunrise** – The writer's block was hiding in the corner. I've whacked it with the baseball bat I keep under my bed, and now it's unconscious and bleeding heavily. Don't worry though; I've locked it up in my cupboard. It won't be getting out of there any time soon… :D

**Hermione 2000** – ooh, is the book good? I was gonna read it, but my mum's nicked it first. Thanks for liking the chappie

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – I'm writing more dear, hope you like it – I think I got a bit carried away though lol. Ah well, tell me what you think :D

xx  
…….  
…….

"Ha! I've got you now bud!"

"Cat! Oh my gosh!" Rimmer squealed, his light bee wobbling, "There's a fish behind you!"

Cat ignored him, and flexed his claws, "I'm gonna play with you!"

"Cat no really, there's a fish coming after us!"

"I'm gonna _play_ with you!" he sang again.

"There's a fish behind you!"

"There is?"

"Yes!"

Cat swerved round, "Where?"

Rimmer smirked inside his light bee, "Smeghead!" he had just enough time to whack Cat round the head with his bee before scuttling off once again.

"Ouch!"

…….

"Oh sir, I am extremely sorry about this, but I'm going to have to knock you unconscious!"

"NNNOOOOO!" screamed Lister, "ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

Kryten had no idea what Mr Lister was on about, and frankly he didn't want to find out. This was good, because he would have found it highly disturbing.

"I'm so sorry sir!" he said, flicking Lister between the eyes with a light _pop_ping noise. It did the trick, and Lister fell back to the floor in a crumpled heap.

…….

Cat had finally cornered Rimmer. He had nowhere to run… roll.

He squeaked, "_Really_ this time! There _really_ is a fish behind you!"

"Shut up bud, I'm not that stupid, I mean give me _some_ credit!"

Rimmer bounced his light bee up and down hysterically, "Cat! He's gonna kill you! Turn around!"

"I'm not falling for that again. It's time for some fun!"

Oh dear, and to think, there really was a very angry looking Ungotrillian Flopfish behind Cat. He had heard the noise and had been sent to check up on the prisoners.

There were two things Rimmer could have done in this situation:

One he could have waited patiently for the killer fish to get Cat, and rolled away as fast as he could.

Two, he could do what he did do. Which was the hero option. Now normally this option wouldn't even _occur_ to Rimmer; his cowardly brain would only come up with _one_ answer and his legs would leg it as fast as they possibly could.

And so, the reason he chose Option two was because he felt guilty.

So incredibly guilty.

He had left them all in that room. Left them there on purpose. None of this would have happened if he had tried to help in the first place. Also, Cat had just saved their lives, and although he really hated the feline, he couldn't help feeling that the debt needed to be repaid.

Ahh, guilt, such a wonderful thing.

His conscience was having a party.

…….

"Okay Holly, we need to get out of here!" Kryten had made sure that Lister was in a comfortable position, and now was trying to get Holly to care that they were stuck in a room and were about to be killed.

"Yeah," Holly said, with a swish of her blonde locks, "I can't imagine it's very nice being prisoners in your own ship and being held by an army of evil killer fish that are working out how to kill you and not leave much of a mess afterwards."

"You're right."

"So you want to get out do you?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, I'll open the doors then." Holly vanished form the tiny screen, then popped back up a second later, "Oh dear," she said with that annoyingly far away trying-to-look-a-tad-bit-sad smile, "those evil fish buggers seem to have overridden my overdrive."

"What?"

She sighed, "I can't open the doors; they've buggered my system up."

"Oh dear!"

"I know."

"Well what are we going to do!"

"I don't know, I've only got the IQ of 6000 PE teachers. You can't expect me to get you out of every little bit of trouble you get into!"

"But you _never_ get us out of any trouble we get into!"

"Exactly, so why change now?"

…….

Rimmer steeled himself for the leap, taking a deep breath he bounced as high as he could. It was as if the world was running on some crappy batteries that made everything go so very very slowly. Rimmer could feel the air rushing past the string ball he was in. He narrowly avoided Cat's claws, hopped it over his shoulder, and dived down to where the fish was getting ready to pounce. He _tried_ to land by it.

Of course, it's very difficult to control one's light bee when you are trapped inside and wrapped with a hefty amount of string. So as you can imagine, he didn't land _by_ it, he landed on _top_ of it, and squished it into a fishy pâté.

Mmmmmm, how lovely.

One less fish to worry about!

If Rimmer could have puked he would have puked. The sight of that disgusting fish lying mangled and squashed under his light bee was even more revolting than Lister's feet. And for those that don't know, that's pretty revolting.

"Hey bud, what d' you know? You were actually telling the truth!" Cat said spinning round with a grin.

Rimmer would have swallowed hard and shivered.

"Thanks buddie!" Cat said hoisting Rimmer up as if picking up a smelly sock. "Now where were we?"

Rimmer was still a little shaken, "What?"

"Oh yeah," Cat smirked, flicking his shiny claws out, "I was gonna kick your stringy little ass!"

And so, even though Cat and Rimmer had saved one another lives, it didn't change their friendship at all.

…….  
…….  
Hehe, that was nice to write! Please review people; I crave to know what you think x.x


	14. chicken

**Sunrise – **here's a new chappie, hope it's what you're craving dear!

**Reddwarfaddict – **how dare you say u write a load of crap! U so do not! I'm gobsmacked

**Zombie kitty – **yay! Omg, I so can't wait until u post the stories:D :D :D YAY!

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy – **hehe, I keep the suspense high! Lol xx

**Cazflibs – **thanks! I try to put a little cuteness in as well as… insaneness…

**Hermione 2000** – cheers! I'll have to read it some time

Oh, and if you find this confusing, that's good, because I did too… I'm tired. I need a kip.  
…….  
…….

When Cat and Rimmer came back into view, Kryten found himself not wanting to know what had happened.

Rimmer walked forward, with a vacant, and rather fazed out, expression on his face. He barely took in his surroundings as he sat heavily on the floor.

Kryten smiled, "I'm glad you're back sirs!"

"Yeah, I'm glad too." Cat grinned, "I can only spend so much time with goalpost head, or I'd go nuts!"

Rimmer didn't even look up.

"Mr Rimmer sir, how _did_ you untie yourself?"

"Oh don't worry about that bud," Cat said, flexing his claws again, "I had that covered!"

Kryten's smile faltered for a second, "Sirs, I need your help with Mr Lister. We have to find the antidote for that poison."

"Why?" said Cat, noticing Lister on the floor and flashing a smile, "I like him this way, it's nice and quiet for once!"

Rimmer looked at him, breaking free of his bleary-eyed stupor to say. "What's happened?"

"Well, I believe he is having a _lot_ of hallucinations. He seemed to think I was evil and rather annoying!"

"No changes there bud!"  
Kryten ignored him, yet again, "I think he thought I was his hideous GELF bride. Oh the things he must have seen!" Kryten sobbed, "That poison is slowly killing him sirs, we need the antidote!"

"How are we gonna get it bud?"

"I haven't a clue sirs, but I think the first thing we have to do is to get out of here."

"Well what a fantastic idea that is."

…….

The fish had finally some to a decision. They were going to go in there and kill them. It took them _all_ that time to decide how to do it. The best part of three hours. And in the end they chose the most unimaginative choice ever.

They were going to have a little war.

They liked wars you see. They were the type of fish who woke up in the morning and said "I really really wish a war would break out so I could smash someone's head in."

So the plan was, they were going to hack the prisoners to pieces using their claws and whatever else they could get their fins on.

What lovely fish they are.

…….

Lister shifted with a moan. Opening his deep brown eyes and gazing up at the three figures above him.

They held their breath.

Lister said, with the barest hint of a smile: "Oh, it's alright… it's just you Rimmer."

They were a tad surprised at this. As you would be.

Rimmer frowned, "Um Kryten, I thought you said he was blind and having hallucinations?"

"I – I did sir."

"Well you pretty thick then aren't you." Rimmer said, his nostrils flaring.

Lister squinted, "Rimmer?"

"Yes Listy?"

"Rimmer?" His eyes grew in sadness, "Why aren't you saying anything?"

Rimmer raised an eyebrow, "I am!"  
Lister carried on without him, "I'm sorry about last night, I really am!" strangely, he wasn't looking at Rimmer now, rather he was having a conversation with something over the hologram's shoulder.

"Lister-"

"I didn't know you were gay!"

"W-w-?" Rimmer spluttered.

"I honestly smegging well didn't know you were gay!" Lister shouted at a wall.

Rimmer folded his arms and turned to Kryten, "Okay, you're right, he _is_ hallucinating."

"What the smeg? I didn't know you were a chicken either!" Lister scrambled to his feet, "Get away from my guitar you flea-bitten poultry git!"

"This is so incredibly stupid." Rimmer said flatly, "we're stuck in a room with a man who is quite quite mad _and_ we're going to get mashed by a load of fish."

Rimmer sighed, watching Lister as he started fighting an invisible imaginary chicken with his bare hands.

"So… how do we get out?"

…….  
…….  
Ah yes, review x.x


	15. an evil idea

I am so glad people reviewed! love you all! xx

thankyou:** Sunrise over the Tango factory**, **Br1de-of-fr3ddy**, **Zombie kitty**, **Cazflibs**, and **Hermione 2000**.

This has been awful to write, I have a vague idea of what the hell's happening, but at the same time, I don't have a smegging clue.  
Okay, in a week's time, I'm going on holiday for 2 weeks. So :'( I won't be able to write more 'til then! So sorry people! Have a great summer!  
…….

…….

"ARRRRGGGHHHHH!" Lister screamed, as they tried to haul him away.

"AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Oh dear, it seemed their stealth approach wasn't going so well.

Kryten was pulling Lister along, while Rimmer hovered awkwardly behind and Cat shifted out of the way with the grace and elegance of a butterfly. "Bud, do you think it's serious?"

"What?"

"He's screaming pretty loudly!"

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Naa. It's just some hallucinations."

Kryten's voice was pitched with fright, "Sirs, I don't mean to cause you any panic, but these hallucinations cause physical and mental harm! We must be extremely careful around him!"

"I _am_ being careful bud!" Cat said, barely laying a finger on Lister, "Do you think I _want_ to touch him? Do you know where he's _been_?"

"AAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHHH!" Lister screamed again, his eyes flitting around in pure terror, "YOU ORANGES CAN'T MAKE ME EAT YOUR DAMN VITAMIN C!"

"Yes…" Rimmer said, sarcasm dripping from his jaw, "that sounds _very_ painful."

Lister was trembling from the pain, his face screwed up, and his frame shivering violently against Kryten. "What! WHERE THE SMEG DID YOU GET THAT CHAINSAW FROM?" His face was white, his fists clenched.

He must have been in a _lot_ of pain; and frankly, it wasn't very nice to watch. Although, Cat strangely, had no problem looking at him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I need that arm!"

Rimmer winced, "Now _that_ sounds painful!"

…….

And so, the fish finally started the war! They smashed through the doors with a number of rather disturbing war cries. Their evil eyes quickly adjusted to the gloomy darkness of the room. They looked around for a bit, wondering where the smeg the prisoners had gone. Then it hit them.

Very hard.

…….

Cat had jumped on them. With a large grin I might add.

…….

The un-squashed fish yelled with surprise, and scattered. Well this was the last thing they had expected.

Cat was happily smashing the swarm of fish down with one of his shoes, "Why did we bother untying him again?" he said pointing at Lister who was just crouched in a phoetal position a few metres away, rocking back and forward.

"Because… well how the smeg do I know?" Rimmer redoubled, "Cat! Why are you killing them with your _shoes_?"

"I don't know what I was thinking bud! These shoes do _not_ go with the polymer stitching on the cuff detail! I don't know how I missed it - Everyone knows swirls clash with emerald and Plum!" He grinned, whacking a fish on the head with the heel, "I'm killing two fish with one shoe!"

…….

One of the more clever fish saw Lister and immediately knew what to do. He flopped over to him, cutting at the human's wrist with a shiny claw. A tiny trail of crimson leaked from the cut. He sneered a menacing sneer, and then flopped back over to where the action was.

And just when things were going so well too. Most of the fish were either: dead, pretending to be dead or hideously mangled and either to weak to kill, or to vain to come out.

That was when Lister changed.

He didn't see the real fight. He saw his friends being held captive. By evil GELFs who were whacking them on top of the head with shoes. Oh dear.

He stood up, anger coursing through his veins. He could see Cat lying on the floor in pain, his dazzling suit stained with crimson. He could see Kryten - or bits of him, littering the ground. He could see Rimmer's light bee smashed and still fizzing with his life. A sob caught in his throat. He was going to save them.

Of course, really it was the opposite way round. But poor heroic Lister didn't know this. So he strode over to the 'GELFs', ignoring the pain racking his body, and let them have it. Again. And again. The tears in his eyes threatened to fall.

How could he let this happen? He needed to save his friends. He needed to help them. He couldn't let them die!

He almost cried out with the unfairness and pain. Letting his anger channel into fighting the GELFs away. Away form his dying friends.

The fish grinned as the poisoned human fought his friends. It was so evil. And so brilliant. Let him do the dirty work for them.

His friends couldn't fight back.

…….

…….

Sorry for the long wait! I've been… urm… well I've been a bit stuck :D ah well, must go, toodlipip x.x


	16. rimmer?

Before I go on my travels, I decided to give you another chappie!

Sunrise over the tango factory (buy bread) – thanks dear! And cheers for talking to me as well, god knows why u put up with it :D

Zombie kitty – ha, thanks! I'll email u soon

Hermione 2000 – ah irony how I love it… anywhoo, here's another chapter, not so selfish now eh? lol

Br1de-of-fr3ddy – I'm unleashing more! And thanks for all the nice stuff you've said! Gosh, u make me smile! Thankyou!

Cazflibs – toodlipip present? Yay! Thanks!

Felineranger - Thankyou, that's a nice thing to say! I try :)

…….

…….

"Get away from them!" Lister yelled, tears in his brown eyes.

The fish laughed, stepping back, from the fight. This was working out perfectly. They didn't even need to get their fins dirty! Once the human had finished with murdering his crewmates, the poison would be too far gone. He would die. Absolutely perfect! Minimum effort. Minimum waste.

"Bud, what the hell are you on about?" Cat asked backing away, slightly scared at the look on Lister's face.

He looked ready to kill.

"I'm going to make you pay!" Lister shouted as he wiped the tears angrily away, coming forward.

"Oh my!" said Kryten, flapping his hands around. "Oh sirs, I believe this is another hallucination!"

"Great!" Rimmer said, "Trust Lister to get a hallucination where he has to _kill_ us!"

Lister grabbed a bazookoid one of the fish had hauled in.

"I mean, out of all the millions of possibilities! He had to choose this one didn't he? He has to be a smegging goit to the very end!"

Lister aimed. Aimed at his friends who were standing there with mouths wide open.

And fired.

It all would have been over in a couple of seconds, if that damn bazookoid had been working. Fortunately for everyone apart from the evil killer fish, it wasn't.

Phew.

Lister threw it aside in a rage. "Fine! I'll get you the hard way." He brought his fists up, "You'll be sorry."

Rimmer laughed.

But he soon stopped when Lister delivered a powerful deadly blow to his light bee.

Rimmer span across the room, his bee sparking dangerously, he gasped. Oh that didn't feel so good.

Kryten was almost hysterical, "Sirs, we have to try and make him snap out of this!"

"What?" said Cat, smoothing his suit down tentatively, "You think I'm going near him? He's crazy!"

"We have to try sir!"

"_You_ try! Don't come crawling to me when he's hacked your arms and legs off and is making you do the cancan whilst playing a banjo and balancing a frog! Coz I won't help you!"

Rimmer shakily waddled back over. "He's… he's gone bad."

"It's the poison sir! If only we could get the antidote…"

"Stop talking!" Lister shouted, "You don't deserve to talk! You don't deserve to live!"

"What the smeg are you talking about?"

"You… you killed..." Lister's voice cracked, "you killed my friends." His face contorted with grief and anger, "I won't let you get away with that."

"Oh god, this is a bad day." Said Rimmer rubbing his head.

"Tell me about it!" Cat said, "First he tries to kill us, then I found out we're already dead! And we killed _ourselves_! I'm confused!"

"Shut up!" Lister's fury was getting the better of him. He punched Cat squarely in the jaw, sending him flying backwards to the rows of fish.

"Whoo yeah!" they shouted, clapping and jeering, "Give him the chair!"

Cat squealed, "Bud! Look what you've done!" He fingered his chin, "This is so the wrong shade of purple!"

I'm afraid it didn't stop there.

Lister smashed Cat in the stomach, bringing him to his knees. Cat tried to speak, but he was too winded. He keeled over onto his side.

"Sir, you must stop this!"

Not bloody likely.

Lister picked up the bazookoid, using the heavy metal as a battering ram. He lunged forward, sweeping Kryten off his feet. And squishing about twenty fish in the process. So at least _some_ good came out of it.

He stopped for a moment, regaining his breath. His head was aching, and every time he breathed his chest felt oddly restricted. Lister coughed. The metallic taste familiar. There was blood in his mouth.

What had happened? Why was he like this?

He frowned as a spasm of pain jolted through his head. He staggered slightly, looking at the last GELF ahead of him.

Or… wait… was it a GELF?

For a split-second he thought he saw Rimmer, standing with a look of pure fear on his face.

He squinted, "Rimmer?"

…….

…….

Okay, I _think_ this is gonna be the last chappie for a while… I think…

Boogle x.x (Big poohead who ate my chicken)


	17. poor them

I'M BAAAAAACCCKKK! YIPPEEE! Cheers reviewers I luv ya! x.x

Extra long chappie for you! Well… long for me anyway! Happy reading:

…….

…….

"Rimmer?" Lister's voice sounded uncertain, and he was blinking his eyes repeatedly as if trying to clear them.

Rimmer's heart fluttered, he could see! Lister could see him! He wasn't going to die! "Lister! You're – you're right it's me!"

Lister's tired worn face broke into a smile. He opened his mouth to speak, but the exhaustion gripped his body at last and his knees buckled beneath him.

Rimmer saw Lister stumble and went forward to catch him before he hit the ground. In his panic and concern, Rimmer forgot he was a soft light hologram. He quickly remembered when Lister's unconscious body thudded through his ready arms onto the cold floor beneath.

"Smeg!" Rimmer knelt next to the lifeless form, "It's alright Lister… you'll be fine, everything's going to be -" he was about to say 'fine' again, but abruptly said 'absolutely smeggin awful' instead.

You see, he'd just realised that rows upon rows of killer Ungotrillian Flopfish were staring at him with their beady greedy needy eyes. Oh dear… there seemed to be rather a lot of them too.

Rimmer was torn between his cowardly urge to run, and that damn nagging conscience in his head.

So he chose both.

…….

Cat struggled back to consciousness, opening his eyes with a groan. The _first_ thing he saw was a screaming white-faced Rimmer legging it across his line of vision.

He raised an eyebrow.

The _next_ thing he saw was a herd of angry fish thundering past after him. Was he actually awake? Or was this another wonderful dream?

After a few minutes of gleeful watching, Cat decided, for the good of his suits, that he should… say hello.

"Hey bud!"

This was met with a screeching reply of: "CAT! HELP ME!"

Cat grinned, "Sorry buddy, I didn't quite catch that?"

"Cat you smegging GIT!"

"Hmm? What did you say?"

"What… what's going on?" came the weak bedraggled voice of a certain person on the floor.

Cat snatched his eyes away from the swearing Rimmer, who was running so fast his legs were a blur, and looked down to see Lister, blinking the fog from his eyes. "Bud! You're all right!"

Lister squinted, trying to sit up but failing miserably.

"You're not still crazy are you?" asked Cat, with a slight look of concern. Either for Lister of himself. Probably the latter…

"No…" Lister replied with a frown.

"Oh good!"

"Excuse me! I hate to ruin your wonderfully CRAP conversation but there happens to be an army of killer fish chasing me!"

Cat rolled his eyes, "Bud that was just rude."

"HELP ME!"

Lister closed his eyes for a second; using his hands to push himself up off of the cold floor.

To his surprise and great discomfort, his legs could no longer support him. He fell back on his backside with a moan.

Cat knelt close to Lister and said: "Bud what we need is a plan."

Lister breathed in deeply, "yeah…"

**A few moments of hardcore brainpower and:**

"Got one yet?"

"Nope."

"Oh… me neither."

"I'M DYING HERE!" Rimmer screeched.

"Sh! Bud we're thinking."

"OH DEAR BUGGERING SMEG-FILLED GOD!"

Cat held up a silencing hand, "Don't rush me."

"Wait…"

"SMEG!"

"Where's Kryten?" asked Lister, ignoring the fact that Rimmer was bellowing his lungs out behind him, and making very rude gestures that I won't describe now for certain reasons.

"You smashed him up pretty bad bud."

"I - what?"

"You don't remember?" Cat said incredulously. Or he would have if he knew what it meant.

"Does it look like I remember?(!)"

"No."

"What did I do man..?"

"You went crazy! You punched me, and scrapped Kryten."

Lister looked crestfallen.

"It's alright bud – the bruise changed to rich plum!" he gestured to the darkened purple patch on his jaw, "I match!"

Lister looked at his hands, "I'm so… smegging sorry."

Cat shrugged, "You beat the crap outta novelty condom head, I should be _thanking _you!"

The whiney voice of Rimmer broke the air, "I'M STILL DYING HERE!"

"Oh yeah."

The fish had chased Rimmer all round the room, and hadn't got within an inch of him yet. It seemed that all that hard work in cowardly sprinting lessons was finally paying off.

Lister took a breath; at least he was better now. All they had to do was beat the fish and get out, and then everything would be fine. He could have a beer and watch that film again in the cinema. The one Rimmer had said was a load of crap, but Lister had seen him wiping his eyes at the end of. He was better now. He could help.

Lister grabbed his courage by its athlete's foot infested toe, and said in a loud, albeit slightly shaky voice:

"OI! You evil… fishy things!"

"Yes?"

"I'm still alive over here, why don't you come and see?"

The fish stopped running with millions of manic grins, "HA! You're poisoned; you won't be alive for long."

Well that was a stab to the heart. That couldn't be the truth… Lying little buggers… or were they…

Lister faltered, "No… I'm – better now – I can see you."

The grins widened, "Stupid pathetic fat human! First comes the blindness, then the hallucinations, then… YOU DIE!" they laughed manically to emphasise the point.

Oh. So they were just _little buggers_ then.

…….

…….

Next chappie coming soon dears, coz I've been away for some bluddy long! Thanks to: Sunrise over the Tango factory, Hermione 2000, Zombie kitty, Senatorsolo, Cazflibs, Br1de-of-fr3ddy! x.x


	18. ZZZAAAAAAPPP!

**Cazflibs – **well, you won't have to wonder much longer, coz here's the next chappie dear!

**Reddwarfaddict **– thank you! I did have a nice break… sorta… and nope (grins) they're not bluffing.

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – I just read your bio page, and was delighted to see you're thinking about putting a red dwarf fanfic up. DO ONE RIGHT NOW! I WANT TO READ IT! Cough… yes, please do! Or I'll hunt you down and make you! …I think it would be fab dear :). Also cheers for reviewing!

**Sarah smith** – don't worry bout the reviews dear, I'm just glad you like the story! Thanks very much :D and cheers for reviewing the chapters you could! That's really kind

I apologise now for any disturbing things said in this chapter. I also apologise for the random crapness. I make these things up as I go along you know! Can't be asked with all the planning - so if stuff makes no sense whatsoever don't blame me, have a cup of tea x.x

…….

…….

So this was it. This was the way he was finally going to go was it? Dying because of a crappy manic fish that stunk to high heaven, and looked like a rotting space weevil with fins and a toothy grin?

Great.

Cat leaned in again, looking a little confused, "Bud, I don't wanna sound stupid, but _this_ is your plan!"

Lister lifted his gaze to Cat's eyes, after a moment he said: "I'll distract them, you go sneak round the back and squish 'em."

"What?"

"Well it worked when they came in."

"Oh yeah!… What shall I squish 'em with?"

"I dunno, I can't think of everything!"

"Alright bud." Cat gave him a cheery grin, bent low and snuck off. Surprisingly the fish didn't notice; they were too busy looking at a wobbly Lister who was threatening to get his guitar out.

Rimmer was making faces and shaking his head at the space bum.

"So help me, I'll get my guitar out!" Lister shouted, "I know my rights!"

Rimmer was mouthing the words 'god awful' and 'you get that bloody guitar out again and I'll smegging kill you' from behind the fish.

Lister grinned; at least he could annoy Rimmer for one last time.

…….

Once behind the group of fishy fish things, Cat started looking for something to squish them with. This had to be one of the stupidest plans Lister had come up with. And he liked it!

There weren't many things to chuck really… he rustled through some random stuff on the floor… a rubber duck, some baked beans, something the feline wasn't even going to touch (and for a good reason), an empty Toblorone packet, a small tape of Britney spears that some one had smashed into pieces with a bottle of midnight black nail varnish.

He sighed.

There may be a _flaw_ with this plan.

…….

"Maybe we should just put him out of his misery," said a fish out of the corner of his fang-filled mouth.

"Naa," his friend replied, "I think it's quite fun to watch. I haven't laughed this much since we shoved your grandfather's head down the waste disposal unit. You know - that one with all the sharp edges and the disgusting whirring sound?"

The previous fish smiled at the memory, "Ah yes… good times."

"Yeah… did you ever get his dentures out of there?"

"Nope. I told you we should have taken them out of his mouth before we shoved him in. People pay good money for those nowadays."

"Sorry Billy."

"That's all right Bob; I dare say we'll get them out some day. Maybe we could try it with my grandmother next time?"

"We could always tie her to the back wheel of your car again."

"Maybe… it was rather messy last time though. I can't be doing with all that scrubbing."

They quietened; deciding to watch the wobbly human again. He was slowing down quite a bit now.

"And for another… thing…" Lister lifted a hand to his head, the fishy faces swimming before his eyes.

"Oh for tripe's sake! Hurry up and die already!" shouted the chief.

So _this_ was the last thing Lister was ever gong to do. Embarrass himself in front of an audience of killer fish, halfway through a plan that was never going to work because it was decidedly crappy and awful.

He looked the fish in the eye, "I'm not… going to die."

"Oh yes you are!" chorused the fish.

…….

Cat stroked his chin thoughtfully.

Well, well, well. That would do just fine! He picked the object up with that teeth-flashing smile of his that annoyed everyone. This was turning out to be quite an okay day. He looked at the thing he was holding for a while, his annoyingly gorgeous smile widening, and then he swung his arm backward taking careful aim.

I bet your wondering what it was aren't you? Well it was…

Kryten's head. The perfect fish-squishing projectile.

With barely another thought, Cat released his hand, the head hurtling forward towards the fish. The speed was amazing – I mean, boy did he let that head fly!

Without knowing it, Cat had been extremely clever. A very rare moment I think you'll agree.

You see, the fish were… well being fish, they were very wet as you can imagine. And Kryten's head, being Kryten's head was electrical.

So what followed was a rather spectacular display of light and fishy squeals!

It sounded rather like this:

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

"Ouch!" "Arrrggghhhh!" "Ooowwww!" "Help!" "Bob!" "Billy!" "Gurgle!" "Ahhhh!" "Poor me!"

Cat grinned, "Boy am I _good_!"

…….

…….

Review please! And those who are on holiday review when you get back! Thanks x.x


	19. Oh dear me

Oh dear me. I haven't updated for a while have I? Sorry. I got caught up in reading other people's fics and I forgot about my own! Here's the next chapter dears, hope you like it :) if you don't feel free to tell me and I'll try to improve… or I'll get annoyed and chuck stuff around or whatever lol :D  
Naa I'm only kidding…  
Not!  
Naa I mean it. ;) say what you want x.x

To reviewers:  
**Sunrise** – hehe cheers! Nice map btw dear ;) can't wait for your next chappie  
**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** –ah yes, go Cat! And yay for the story! Put it up! Put it up! Put it up!  
**Hermione 2000** – thanks:D Hope this one is to your liking  
**ZK** – lol! And don't shower in liquid oxygen dear, there would be no one to write your fics! Then what would I do?  
**SenatorSolo** – good luck with the homework! And I'm updating finally!

…….

…….

I'm glad to say, that the blast from Kryten's head killed nearly all of those evil fish. Yay! And… not so yay!

I said nearly… one of them was still alive.

_Thank god _one of them was still alive. You see, Lister had fallen into that deep unconsciousness that comes just before death in the clutches of that evil fishy poison. The only knowledge that could save him now was lodged inside that squishy brain of the last living Ungotrillian Flopfish aboard red dwarf. Oh dear me.

Kryten's head seemed to be instantly alert after the burst of electricity, "Sirs? Sirs! I demand that you find my body immediately, Mr Lister needs our help!"

"I'll help later buddy! These fish are gorgeous when they're deep fried!"

"Kryten, I can see your body!" Came Rimmer's voice, floating over the smoke and fizzing fish fins. "It's to the left!"

Kryten wobbled, "Your left or my left sir?"

_Oh god not again!_ "To _your_ left!"

"Thank you sir!"

A couple of minutes of blind fastening and twisting and muffled yells of: "I'm over here! On the left! No, _your_ left!" from Kryten's head, and the mechanoid's body managed to screw his head back on without too many blunders. Kryten was finally well again. The same could not be said of Lister, who lay face down where he had fallen.

"Oh sir…"

…….

Meanwhile, the last surviving fish was waddling away with a grin plastered on its floppy features.

So his entire family were dead. No biggie. He was alive, and he didn't really see the point of hanging around much longer. Even though he loved revenge, revenge on a cat for killing his ancestors didn't seem so appealing. Especially when he was greatly outnumbered and alone.

He thought he was free, and as he flopped over towards the crumpled doorway, his grin got wider and wider.

Sigh. I almost feel sorry for him.

Then he heard something behind him.

He stopped suddenly, turning around in a flash. He was greeted by a grin that wasn't quite human. Something about those teeth. Catlike.

"I'm gonna eat you little fishy!"

…….

"Don't worry Mr Lister sir!" Kryten carried on with a few hefty sobs, despite the fact that Lister could hear smeg all of what he was saying, "Holly says there's still one more fish aboard red dwarf! If we can find it then we can get the antidote!"

Rimmer wrung his hands with worry, he was huddled on the floor, desperately trying not to look at the quiet form of Lister next to him, "_one_ fish?" he said, "_One_? It's going to get away! How the smeg are we going to find that little bugger in the whole of red dwarf!"

Rimmer fought the tears welling in his eyes. "God I hate everyone right now."

Then came the glorious sound of Cat's voice, wafting on the breeze. Instead of feeling that weary sensation of pure annoyingness that he usually did at hearing Cat, this time all he felt was a cold hand grasping his heart.

"Stay still little fishy! I'm not gonna hurt you bud, I'm just gonna _eat_ you!"

Rimmer sprang to his feet. The last fish! The only thing left that could save Lister!

And Cat was going to have it for a snack!

"CAT! NOOO!"

…….

Cat didn't hear Rimmer's feeble attempt at a yell. He grinned that flashy grin of his and scoffed the last fish into his mouth in a second.

Now he could hear Rimmer's voice, but his mouth was full so he couldn't answer back. He rolled his eyes, _what was goalpost head on about now?_ He turned around to see Rimmer, with a look of pure anger, astonishment and fear on his face.

"CAT SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!"

Cat just looked at him, he would have said: 'no way bud! Do you know how gross that would be? I have a reputation to keep up you know!' if his mouth wasn't so full of fish.

So instead he shook his head vigorously, feeling the fish banging his fists against the walls of his mouth.

"SPIT IT OUT!"

Cat had never seen Rimmer look so angry in his life. And he'd seen the hologram pretty angry before now. It was hard not to have - Rimmer and Lister were constantly arguing, and it didn't help when the Cat butted in with comments like 'how am I supposed to sleep when goalpost head's cracking my dream mirrors with his old-lady-with-a-throat-infection-and-bad-dentures voice!' and 'you make me wish I was dead, just so I wouldn't have to look at you anymore!'

His memories were rudely shattered by that 'old-lady-with-a-throat-infection-and-bad-dentures voice' that was Rimmer's:

"CAT-IF-YOU-DON'T-SPIT-THAT-FISH-OUT-RIGHT-NOW-I'LL-RIP-UP-ALL-YOUR-SUITS-AND-THROW-YOUR-HAIR-AND-BEAUTY-PRODUCTS-DOWN-THE-GARBAGE-SHUTE!"

That did it.

Cat gave Rimmer a look that clearly said: 'can you give me some privacy?' Rimmer averted his eyes with a scowl, and Cat spat the fish out. He sighed. Oh well, it wasn't as if they tasted that great anyway.

…….

…….

Review please, it means a lot!


	20. Cat befriends a fish?

Cheers reviewers:

**Sunrise** – BEWARE THE THREE DOTS… arggh!... damn… go away you evil dotty buggers! Phew, it's okay they've gone… or have they… Thanks for the review:) I'm so happy you like it! yay!

**Zombie kitty** – hey I like the review trailer! Must.read.your.fics! What are you waiting for? I need them:)

**Hermione 2000** – here's the next chappie! Cheers for the review x

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – I demand you post that fic of yours! Pretty please? And also, thanks! I'm glad to have people with weird images in their heads because of something I wrote! Lol.

Sorry for the shortness of this chapter… Well actually sorry for all the short chapters I do. Which is all of them. Sorry. sigh

Also, sorry about the mound of dialogue and no description - I'm having a boring week.

…….

…….

The fish gasped for breath, sucking at its crumpled gills with a disgusting sound that Cat wrinkled his nose at. It was damaging his delicate ears!

Rimmer however, was past angry, "Tell us the antidote formula you stomach-chucking, crap-swilling wouldn't-touch-you-with-a-twenty-foot-barge-pole-made-out-of-disinfectant-and-used-batteries fishy git!"

The fish seemed confused, which wasn't surprising really, he peered up at the hologram's twisted features and said: "What?"

"ARRRRGGHHH!"

Cat leaned closer, "Just tell us the antidote."

"Oh!" he smiled, "no."

Rimmer bent low, with a scowl "Look here _fish_ -do you want us to get the tartar sauce!"

Cat squealed, "Ooh, he'd taste great with that!"

"No! Anything but that!"

"Well tell us then!"

"I can't!"

Rimmer looked disgusted, "Kryten, get the tartar sauce."

"Alright!" the fish sighed dramatically, "I'll tell you…" He got to his floppy fins, "but first, I _have_ to know something."

"What now?"

"You cat… thing, how _did_ you get your teeth so white?"

Cat grinned, "I'm sorry buddy, it's a secret!"

"Oh go on!"

"Well I guess they're just naturally perfect!"

"Wow, that's amazing!"

"I know!"

"But they're so _shiny_ too, I swear when I was in your mouth they were practically glowing in the dark!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, they're so clean, and don't get me started on the enamel! Nearly broke my fins - Hasn't anyone told you how great they are?"

Cat sighed, "Not really, I guess some people just don't _appreciate_ the beauty of them."

Rimmer slapped his own forehead with a groan, "Oh god… they're _bonding_."

…….

"It's alright sir! I know it doesn't _look_ like your breathing, but you can't fool me!" Kryten checked Lister's pulse for good measure, and settled back with relief.

"You have a pulse! I knew you had it in you!"

Lister made no reply; in fact, he didn't show any sign that he had heard the mechanoid at all. He probably hadn't.

…….

"You know," said Cat trying to compliment the fish in return, "You don't taste bad when you're deep fried."

The fish smiled a genuinely happy sort of smile, "Thanks, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day."

"NOBODY GIVES A DONKEY'S ARSE! GIVE US THE SMEGGING ANTIDOTE!"

"I'm sorry about him bud, he tends to get a little flustered."

"FLUSTERED?" Rimmer flung his arms about, barely noticing his angry flailing limbs slamming through Cat and the fish, "FLUSTERED! I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT STARTED! TELL ME THE ANTIDOTE OR I'LL SMOTHER YOU IN THAT TARTAR SAUCE, DEEP FRY YOU AND STUFF YOU TO THE BRIM WITH A TASTY HERB DRESSING!"

"Now really, that's no way to ask someone for a favour."

"Excuse me, sorry - I don't mean to intrude sirs, but we do need that antidote pretty soon please," Kryten said coming forward with a worried look, "I don't think Mr Lister is willing to hold out much longer. In fact, I don't think he's even _breathing_ anymore."

"Oh, well seen as _you_ asked nicely," Said the fish with a grin, "I guess I'll tell you."

"Oh thank you sir! I'd be extremely grateful if you would be so kind!"

"The antidote is…"

"Yes?"

"Is…"

"Yes?"

He snapped his fins, "Oh hang on - I know this one…"

Rimmer yelled out again, "TELL ME!"

"Oh yeah, I remember now, your ugly red face gave me a clue! It's tomato ketchup."

What a climax… Rimmer just looked at him,

"Are you insane?"

"Yes."

…….

And so, Kryten got the ketchup from the fridge and went over to Lister who lay as still as a two day old goldfish you won from the fair. "How much should I give him sir?"

The fish looked deadly serious, and he said with a slight frown, "Two spoonfuls, no more."

"Oh god no, we wouldn't want an overdose of bottled tomatoey goodness!"

The fish merely looked at Rimmer and said, "If you want to give him an overdose fine. I mean, I don't care if he turns into a demented mongoose with the runs!"

Rimmer laughed nervously, the fish muttered 'smarmy git' under his breath, Cat looked into a pocket mirror and said 'I'm looking nice! My suit's nice, my hair's nice, my teeth are nice!', and Kryten fed dear Lister the ketchup.

They waited with baited breath - and Cat with fresh and minty!

But nothing happened for the longest time.

A tortoise could have finished the marathon by now.

Kryten could have finished a speech by now.

I could have learnt to draw properly by now.

God, it was a very long wait. And then…

Lister coughed.

Rimmer squeaked out a "Lister?" which echoed out into the room for a while making the occupants shiver.

The last human opened his eyes, and said with a tired grin, "You know I prefer _brown_ ketchup."

…….

…….

Lister is better again! 'Hooray!' I hear you cry 'you took your time didn't you! - could have made it a bit more interesting you boring old cheese sandwich!' Now the next one will probs be the last chapter, I'm _rubbish_ with endings so expect something daft. Short attention span you -  
(wonders off)


	21. THE END and a fond farewell

Oh dear me people. I've already got one evilly… evil idea in my head for my next fic. As soon as this one's done I'll get writing!

**Hermione 2000** – I'm overjoyed in hearing you have ketchup with everything – me too! Ahh tomato ketchup… how I love it. Food just isn't the same without you. oh yeah, thanks for the review dear!

**Sunrise** – Thankyou:) :) :)

**Zombie kitty** – hehe – you were infectious dear, I couldn't help it.

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – can't wait 'til you put the fic up! Good luck with the whole balancing work, uni, and fic writing thing! No need to get nasty dear, I'll write the first chappie for my new fic as fast as I can lol.

Short and crap and just downright boring, here's the last chapter:

…….

…….

The fish was sat in the cockpit looking extremely bored, and sucking on its fins thoughtfully, "So… can you drop me off on my home planet then? I get a little bloodthirsty when I'm away for too long."

Kryten nodded enthusiastically, "Of course sir! We'd be delighted."

"Oh good!" If truth be told, the little fish was getting a little annoyed by Kryten. A little meaning he thought he might have to shoot him before the day was out.

Which would be a relief in many ways, and a teeny shame in another. He needed the mechanoid to get home. Home first, shooting after, that's what his mum used to say. Before she got shot.

…….

Lister, Cat and Rimmer were taking a stroll down the corridor. Cat unwillingly letting Lister lean on him as they walked. He'd sprayed Lister with disinfectant first… for safety and dry cleaning purposes.

Rimmer was attempting to apologise to Lister, but wasn't having much luck so far. Really there was only one way to apologise, so he tried it.

"I'm sorry Lister." He managed to blurt out, half way through Cat and Lister's conversation on mayonnaise and its uses.

Lister frowned at him, "What are you sorry for?"

"Everything."

"Don't be stupid man."

"I thought you weren't going to get better Lister. I… I didn't know what to do."

"Yeah," Cat grinned, spraying Lister a little more with the pump-n-spray can of 'disinfectant-me-i'm-contagious-and-smell-like-wet-dog', "he was even more of a smarmy git than he usually is! I didn't think that was possible, but he proved me wrong!"

Lister coughed as the anti-septic mist settled into his jacket, "You were that _worried_ about me?"

"Of course I was! It was all my fault…" Rimmer let his eyes travel to the floor, feeling uncomfortable under Lister's gaze, "It always is. I'm sorry."

"Oh god, this is getting soppy! It's a good job this suit is _drip_ proof."

Lister elbowed Cat to shut up, "No Rimmer, _I'm_ sorry. I don't – I don't _mean_ to get into these things they just _happen_. It's like someone out there likes putting me into these situations."

Rimmer smiled a little, "yeah, like some obsessed writer enjoys hurting you and putting you into bizarre stories that don't really make any sense whatsoever because she's bored. I don't think so Lister."

"Alright man. I'm just sorry alright? Who knows, you might be the one to get in trouble next time!"

Rimmer grinned, "Now that won't happen. I'm just too cute to hurt."

"You? Cute?" Cat couldn't have looked more disgusted if you showed him what Lister had to eat last Wednesday, "If you're _cute_ then I might as well chop my arms off, serve them with rice, and sell them as sushi surprise!"

Lister laughed. Rimmer watched him with his arms folded. It was strange… he actually missed Lister's laugh. He actually _missed_ the way his dark brown eyes brimmed with amusement. He actually missed the way his annoying grin was plastered onto his face. He actually _missed_ _Lister_.

"Oh Rimmer." Lister said, looking better than he had in days, "You've changed a bit, but you're still a smeghead."

…….

"Here we are sir! You're home planet of OhmygodakillerUngotrillianFlopfishIthinkit'sgoingtokillus!"

Lister opened the doors with a _hiss_, "Cheers for helping me and everything man. I thought you were the most disgusting thing since a pot noodle, but you're alright really."

"Thanks! You're not so bad yourself I suppose, maybe next time I won't try to kill you… just injure you adequately and render you unconscious."

"Um… thanks I think."

"You're welcome." Said the little fish, and it hopped down the ramp onto the ugly ground beneath. "Oh, I think I ought to tell you. I hid a bomb on board in the cargo deck. I thought it would be fun, but my conscious just told me it wouldn't be."

"Oh okay thanks for that."

"Well bye!"

"Bye." Kryten slammed the doors shut.

"How come we always meet nutters like that?"

"I think they're just attracted to you Rimmer."

Rimmer nodded thoughtfully, "Fair enough."

With no one to lean on, Lister was propped up against the wall. He was trying to look like he'd done it on purpose when really he'd collapsed and smacked into it. He still looked shaky but not too bad considering what he'd been through. The loveable space bum tilted his head to the side and asked: "Where's Cat gone?"

"I haven't a clue," Said Rimmer scratching his head, to be honest he didn't much care, "to be honest I don't much care. Maybe he thought it was too hard to say goodbye to his smelly fishy chum."

"Yeah. Well…" Lister rubbed his hands together, pushing himself lightly off the wall and nearly falling over again in the process, "I better go dismantle that bomb."

Rimmer snorted, his nostrils flaring, "Oh no you don't! You're going back to get some rest miladdo, you're still not fully well and you need a shower!" he added as an afterthought: "– no offence."

Lister laughed again, "Ha! Whatever _mummy_!"

"No, he's right for once bud… you stink!" The feline said popping his head round the corner and doing the usual moon walk into the room.

Lister raised an eyebrow, "Hey Cat – where'd you slink off to?"

Cat looked a little shifty, his fingers fiddling with the tassels on his cuffs, "Nowhere…" he looked a little shiftier, fingers fiddling so fast they were a blur, "definitely not locking up anything secret in some rooms! Coz if you're thinking that was what I was doing you're very much mistaken buds!"

5 minutes of intense searching later and…

"CAT? What the smeg are these Ungotrillian Flopfish doing locked in your room!"

Cat pouted, looking at the fish he'd oh-so-well hidden in the storage room, "Oh buddy! Can we keep them? _Please_?"

"NO! Get them out of here before we all die!"

"You are so unfair!"

"Wait - has anyone dismantled that bomb yet?"

"No… what bomb was that bud?"

"Oh smeg!"

**BBOOOOOOOOOOMM!**

THE END

…….

…….

Review! Review! I love it when people review!


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